Success

What is success ? And, how is it related to Angst?
Specifically, what is success for the painter? Is it selling everything you paint or liking your own work? Or is it being a painter’s painter and having the respect of your peers? Or maybe, is it as simple as being able to paint what you see in your head? We each have to define that for ourselves. I know. I just had to come up with a new definition of success because the way I was looking at success was giving me too much angst. So much so, it was actually hurting my painting.
Some days I can’t sleep because I’m so excited to paint. I wake up way too early, with images on my mind that are screaming to be put onto paper. Bounding with energy , I jump out of bed and start painting, Why do I wake up this way? Maybe it is the sheer exhilaration of creating, or is it’s because I won an award in a painting competition or I finished piece that I love and I feel confident, or my critique buddies loved my work or, or, or. Who knows? But tomorrow rolls around and I may feel like I can’t even go into my studio and start painting because, my painting was so bad the day before and I’m afraid to start something that won’t be as beautiful as it is in my head, or I received a critique that sent me down the rabbit hole or worse yet, I got a very tepid response to my new painting(s). Maybe all my friends are selling like crazy and I’m not or I saw one too many great paintings the day before and now I’m intimidated. Maybe I didn’t win an award or I didn’t even get accepted into a show, etc etc etc. You can add your own thoughts This cycle is enough to make you crazy. Is there a Painter’s Anonymous? “Hi, I’m Patty and I’m a Painter...with Angst!” And yet, the cycle continues because I love painting. I love and hate painting. Ok, sometimes I down right hate painting.
Are painters ever satisfied with their work? What makes them feel successful? I think that depends upon the painter. With some, it’s all tied in to selling. There is the attitude of, “If I sell well I am successful. If I don’t, something is wrong with my work, hence something is wrong with me.” Some judge themselves by how they compare to others.
A painter is moved by another artist’s work and they are inspired but also discouraged because they feel their work doesn’t measure up and may never measure up to what they’ve just seen. And hence, their cycle of angst begins.
I’ve been to both of these places. I’ve looked at painting from both sides now....Oh, I feel a Joni Mitchell song coming on.
Some painters I meet are rarely, if ever satisfied. They have so much angst. One friend burns her old pieces because she doesn’t want anyone to see them and honestly, her work is so great it makes you cry. Yet she has so much angst. I remember the first time I ever painted with her and telling my painting buddy, Pepper, that I thought she had angst and Pepper said, ‘No Way. She’s so good. Why would she have angst?‘ But, I knew there was angst even before we painted together because I could feel the tension in her work. And honestly, it made her work vibrate with life. Which begs the question, Does a painter need angst to create? That’s for another blog.
So where does that leave me? One day I want to paint, the next day I want to cry because I fear I’ll never be able to paint the way I want to.
I was pouring out all these thoughts to my husband one day. (well, maybe it was more than one day but, who’s counting?) He said, “This is making me depressed. You need to redefine the way you look at success. Make it simple. Once you define it, write it out, make it your goal and do it. “ Then Pepper added, “Jim’s right. You need to look at things like a man.” I remember my tennis coach in high school yelling at me saying, “Forte, you play tennis like a X!!!%#& girl.” HMMMM There might be a recurring theme here. I will explore that later.
Well for me, I’ve decided that painting daily is success. That’s it. Success is the act of daily painting. My new goal is to go into my studio and paint one small warm up painting a day. This is before I begin to paint anything else. That, pure and simple is success. And by the way, I redefined what success is not:
It’s not painting a wonderful painting, nor selling a painting, not even selling all my paintings or being known as a wonderful painter. Success is purely and simply PAINTING daily. Angst or no angst, I’m successful when I paint daily.

I’ll let you know soon if my new modus operandi has eliminated my angst. And if it has, I’ll have to admit my husband was right again!! By the way, did you ever hear that behind every successful man is a very surprised woman? haha.

And, I’m posting those little warm up paintings here for my art this month. I don’t care if they are great, or they sell, or even if they win awards! These little gems are what made me successful this week.
Here’s to your success too, however you define it.
Patty